As far back as I can remember I have always suffered from stress related illnesses, As a child growing up in the ’70s and ’80s I was quiet and shy, keeping myself to myself. Anxiety always got in the way of things I wanted to excel in and to make my mother proud.
I joined the RAF in 1985, and the sense of comradery and family meant I was always supported, grew in confidence and excelled in both my service and private live.
A messy break up with my then wife, and the subsequent battles to get access to see my son took its toll on me over many months, and years, and I reverted into the quiet, shy character of my youth.
I remarried and had three beautiful children, travelled the world, and saw more of my eldest son. All seemed rosy until my life totally changed in 2019 when my 27 year-old eldest son, Stephen took his own life.
I stood tall for months trying to support everyone dear to Stephen but then crashed. I am not proud that I turned to alcohol to drown out the pain, and this lead to the separation from my second wife.
I reached out to SoBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide) who signposted me to support from SAMH (Scottish Action for Mental Health) and other organisations. I knew then that this would be a path I had promised Stephen I was destined to take; making sure I gave all of myself in the pursuit of supporting people who are suffering in their own headspaces.
I became a group volunteer for SoBS, and started to self-fund my own education to better understand mental health illnesses.
Poetry has been my biggest outlet for my pain, but also my healing. Today I am living with my beautiful partner Jennie in a small fisherman’s cottage in the North East of Scotland. I see all my children regularly and have a new job that I love. I am more involved than ever supporting my work colleagues and others in the community with talk therapy and signposting to organisations that make a really difference.
At 56 (nearly 57!) I have found peace with Stephen’s passing, although still find anniversaries, birthdays and holidays difficult, however I have learnt how to channel the negatives into positive remembering, celebrating his life and supporting other to give them
hope.
In about five years I hope to collate an anthology of all my poetry, charting my own personal journey, I’d like to think that through my poetry and life experiences the reader may connect and impart some solace and of course hope.
My message to anyone struggling is simple! Talk, reach out for support and keep going … brighter light WILL find you!